The Happy Happy Birthday Song

I found out on the weekend that Ben’s class has its own birthday song which they sing to any classmates who have birthdays during the school year. I guess someone last year must like the Canadian Group “Arrogant Worms” since a quick search on Google turned up the lyrics. I found out about this song because Ben sang it at a friend’s birthday party last week and they wanted to know the lyrics. So I volunteered to type it out while he sang it from memory.

I thought I would share it here. Be prepared, this is in no way a sentimental tune. It seems like Ben’s class is full of 10 to 12 year old cynics. If you are at all sensitive about birthdays, I suggest you stop now. I haven’t been able to find the tune online so I can listen to the original music. The way Ben sings it sounds like a derivative of “Can-Can”.

Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
A trip around the sun

Then the whole family gathers ‘round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song

Happy Birthday!
Now you’re one year older

Happy Birthday!
Your life still isn’t over

Happy Birthday!
You haven’t accomplished much
But you didn’t die this year
I guess that’s good enough.

So let’s drink to your fading health
And hope you don’t remind yourself
Your chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year.

Do you feel like you’re doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer?

Happy Birthday!
What have you done that matters?

Happy Birthday!
You’re starting to get fatter.

Happy Birthday!
It’s downhill from now on.
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone.

If cryogenics was all free
Then we could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice.

But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
Although it hasn’t ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might.

Happy Birthday!
You wish you had more money

Happy Birthday!
Your life’s so sad it’s funny.

Happy Birthday!
How much more can you take?
All your friends are hungry now
So cut the stupid cake.

Rrroll up the rim to win!

The end of February marks the beginning of an annual Canadian tradition that helps lift us out of the winter blahs – it’s “Roll up the Rim” time at Tim Horton’s. To an outsider, this may seem a bit strange that a Coffee and Donut chain’s contest would be a national tradition, but to most Canadians and those who have experienced the phenomenon or Tim Horton’s it’s a natural experience.

Tim Horton’s has the success that large food and beverage chains around the world all aspire to. They are everywhere. In Canada there is one Tim Horton’s for about every 12,500 people (about 2,500 locations). It is often compared to Starbucks, and a number of other successful US chains. However if all of the Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds locations in the US operated under the same name, that corporate entity would still not have the same 1:12,500 ratio that Tim Horton’s has.

In the city I live in of about 130,000 people, there are 12 locations that I know of. Any trip across town (no matter which route) will take us past at least two and usually five. And all of them are always busy. Some have line ups at the drive through from about 6:00am to 6:00pm.

Last week the chief of staff for our armed forces gave a news conference. In this news conference he gave a list of many of the things the armed forces need from our new government. When talking about immediate priorities, he talked about the Canadian mission to Afghanistan where 2000 of our troops are taking command of the Kandahar region. One of his top priorities for the troops there was to talk to Tim Horton’s and see if they could open up a shop on the base in Kandahar.

In my opinion the success of Tim Horton’s is that it offers a great tasting cup of coffee (not watered down and not strong and bitter) for a very reasonable price and the food is also very good and reasonably priced as well. The coffee is coffee (not 50 different beans and flavours) it’s always fresh and brewed to perfection. They even make a pretty decent cup of tea with their steeped tea that is prepared by the pot.

Tim Horton’s has even added new terms to the English language (well, Canadian English eh). These include “double-double” (two cream and two sugar) and a “regular” coffee (cream and sugar). I found out the hard way that in the US, regular is a size and not the way you prepare the coffee. I ordered a “medium regular” once at a coffee shop in the US. The person just stared at me and said, “Sir, the medium size is the regular size.”

Perhaps one day we will speak the same language…