Dear Santa,

I can explain.

Really, I can.

You see, it’s not all my fault. Ben is naturally inclined to play with words. It’s just normal that he would pick up on my sarcasm and my tendencies to play with the English language. He’s bright. He knows that some words have multiple meanings and beg to be used in humorous ways.

I know when he was three I started playing around with the meanings of words to tease him. I know I consciously taught him to look at words from every angle to get creative. I know my conversations with him at this impressionable age set him down this path.

It’s not all my fault, though.

It’s not my fault that he plays with the language all the time. I know that his sensei told me what he did last karate class. They are learning the use of the bo staff this term in karate. Last class the sensei asked everyone with a bo to gather in one corner. It’s not my fault that Ben had to say, “OK everyone! Let’s all gather over here for the staff meeting.”

That wasn’t my fault.

I’m getting it back now you know. Today on the way to karate I told Ben I am probably going to buy a new car next week – a Subaru Impreza. I told him the best thing about it is the all wheel drive.

His response was, “I am totally awed by that statement”.

I had to think for a second and then groaned as it came to me, “Do you mean awed as in AWD – All Wheel Drive?”

Giggles from the back.

You see, I’m getting payback every day now. Please, show a little sympathy.

I didn’t know he would be a smartass at age 10.

I DON”T WANT A LUMP OF COAL!!!

Arizona in December

I had just started a new job back in 1998. It was during the great tech boom and companies were awash with lots of money. So, my company decided on a new initiative – new employees from around North America would spend 4 days at a resort in Scottsdale, AZ for company orientation.

I’d never been to Arizona. I did know it was supposedly warmer than Southern Ontario, especially since we were going in the middle of December.

I found out the other Canadians who had been invited to this orientation and four of us decided that since our first day there was completely open, we would get in a round of golf.

That Sunday started off at around 70 degrees (F), with a few clouds in the sky. I wore a t-shirt and shorts. We set off for the golf course. The weather was perfect.

Around the third hole, it clouded over and the temperature started to drop.

At the fourth hole, it started to rain.

At the fifth hole, the temperature had dropped to a point where I was starting to feel cold. Other foursomes had left the course, but we Canadians decided we were made of stronger stuff and were going to play through.

At the sixth hole the wind picked up out of the north and I was thinking that shorts might not have been a good idea.

At the seventh hole, our hands started to get too cold to hold the clubs.

Finally, on the eighth hole, the unthinkable happened – it started to snow. Not just wimpy white-lumpy-rain type snow, big thick flakes that started to cover the ground.

We realized that the powers in charge did not want us to finish our game. In fact, we had upset the entire natural order of things by trying to play golf in Scottsdale, AZ in December. We quietly left the course.

Upon arriving at the clubhouse, people were running out in the snow and taking a lot of pictures of the snowscape.

This is how I remember my one and only trip to the hot, dry state of Arizona.

Happy Christmahanukkwanzaakah!!

I was at work writing a proposal when my MSN Messenger agent beeped. It was a message from my manager. It said:

Call 1-888-353-7667

I turned around – he sits right behind me.

“Call the number.”

So I did. And I got the Virgin Mobile Christmahanukkwanzaakah help line and spent the next 10-15 minutes going through all the options and laughing and wondering about the twisted people who put this together.

What was refreshing was the irreverent poke at the political correctness of the season.

So, if you are so inclined, call the number. Have a laugh. Don’t worry, all of the options are recordings and there is no worry about getting a live operator.    

Ignore this post

WARNING!

Do not click this LINK! The HASSELHOFFIAN RECURSION is suspected to cause insanity, loss of appetite and even loss of last two to three meals. I repeat do not click on any LINKS in this post. Rumours abound of people drawn into the HASSELHOFFIAN RECURSION to the point that they forget how to close the window or avert their eyes.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

LEAVE THIS LINK ALONE!

Woot!

Since Karen started posting some of our photos in her Museum of Me, I realized that there were pictures of ours that I would post given the chance. So I created a new blog called Picture Reality. I'll be posting some of my favourites there.

Happy Nondescript Holiday Greetings

My wife Karen’s blog post today
Explains a “politically correct” seasonal
Rift that has affected even those who
Really have no religious inclinations.
Yet, we seem to be in an age where

Christians and those descended from them
Have a certain cultural guilt and oversensitivity
Rising from the awareness that the diversity
In our society is increasing.
Suddenly, this has resulted in
The very sad and
Misguided attempt to hide a certain name of
A certain occasion in December and replace it with “Holiday”.
Sadly, I too must utilize covert means to express myself.

Avon Calling (and calling, and calling...)

I’m really enjoying my new job. It’s great to be back in a professional environment and working for a company that has a sense of where it is going and – more importantly – how to get there.

It’s also a change for me in terms of actually going in to work. I now work about 30 minutes* from home so I can go in every day. My last job was just over an hour from home (on a good day) so I only went in once or twice a week.

The benefit of going in every day is that you get to build more of a relationship with your coworkers. However, depending on your office surroundings, it can also be a bad thing.

Take, for example, where I sit. My desk is right beside our administrative assistant. She is a very nice person and is very good at her job. Also, being the admin assistant, she has a lot of people come and see her for things that they need.

She also sells Avon products.

(This is not a problem.)

At work.

(This too, is not a problem.)

I have to sit beside her desk.

(Still no problem.)

I get to hear all the wonderful Avon-related conversations.

(Problem.)

I learn things I really do not need to know….

1. I do not care about the benefits of Avon mascara. I do not care that it really adds volume to lashes. I also do not need to know that users of this product have to keep their eyes open of a specific length of time. Why? Well, apparently lashes get so long with this mascara that if you close your eyes before it dries the upper and lower lashes will stick together.


2. I do not need to know where people apply their skin cream because it gets so dry in the winter. (For those of you who live in dry climates like the desert states, dry in Southern Ontario is a humidity level of 40% or less. Keep in mind that it only gets that dry when temperatures are below -10 Celsius and the wind chill feels like -15 or lower).


3. I do not need to know how Avon product X is better than other manufacturer’s product Y. I really do not need to know what product Y did to you that one time you tried it.


4. I do not need to know that your aunt/grandmother/mother/mother-in-law, etc. has used Avon products since practically before they were ever even sold.


5. I do not need to know the reasons you are justifying a purchase for yourself when your really should be doing your Christmas shopping.

I JUST DO NOT NEED TO KNOW.

But now I do.


*P.S. For those of you who noticed, it is apparently a Canadian – and I understand an Idahoan – trait to measure distances by time. Actual distances for those who measure distance in something other than time are 55km and 103km.